Songs

There’s an App for That

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Tune: “Jesus Satisfies”
Jerry sings melody starting on D, Bev sings harmony starting on A.

You’re lost and you’re wanting a chart or a map
You need an address or a street
Yet finding your bearings is simply a snap
Your iPhone can help, it’s really neat

Chorus:
There’s an app for that, there’s an app for that
When you’ve a problem big or small
There’s an app for that, there’s an app for that
Download the one you need and then install.


You’re shopping for cheese and you don’t have a clue
Havarti or Stilton or Blue
Just pull out your phone to learn just what to do
The answer is waiting there for you

You’re ready to jam, your guitar’s out of tune
Your strings have a mind of their own
The answer’s at hand, you’ll be joining in soon,
A tuner is stored inside your phone

You want to impress her by choosing the wine
Tonight when you take her to dine
Pretend you’ve a call, check the fruit of the vine
She won’t know you’re just a philistine

Your flashlight was shining to show you the way
But just then your batteries died
But Apple is near, they will help save the day
Your iPhone will surely be your guide

You’re having a baby, your suitcase is packed
You wonder if this is the time
Contractions are here and they need to be tracked
Your iPhone can help you—it’s sublime

You’re waiting to hear if the job will be yours
You’ve been looking for work for a year
No sound can be heard and no ringing occurs
It’s a dead zone, there is no signal here

Last chorus:
There’s no app for that, there’s no app for that
If you’ve a problem big or small
There’s no app for that, there’s no app for that
Your iPhone can’t help you after all.


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From Bev and Jerry—“All we can say is that the hardest part about writing this song was stopping. Ideas for new verses abound and we hope others will write and sing them.”

Pat Gets on an Airplane

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Tune: “Pat Works on the Railway.” Play in A minor.

In twenty hundred and forty one
My trip to Houston had just begun
I went through hell before I was done
To get upon an airplane

CHORUS:
Pat me on my derrière, touch me almost everywhere,
Take a picture of me bare to get upon an airplane


In twenty hundred and forty two
I bade my family a sad adieu
I got into the security queue
To get upon an airplane

In twenty hundred and forty three
They studied my anatomy
I gave up all my dignity
To get upon an airplane

In twenty hundred and forty four
My private parts they did explore
They fondled my posterior
To get upon an airplane

In twenty hundred and forty five
I thought myself more dead than alive
But still I thought I might survive
To get upon an airplane

It’s Pat do this and Pat do that
Take off your shoes take off your hat
Remove your belt and your cravat
To get upon an airplane

In twenty hundred and forty eight
I thought we were going to copulate
Until I told him that I was straight
To get upon an airplane

In twenty hundred and forty seven
I wished that I was up in heaven
If they checked one place they checked eleven
To get upon an airplane

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From Bev and Jerry—“Pat Gets on an Airplane” is an example of a true parody as opposed to some new lyrics to an existing tune. It uses some of the original words and there’s a play on words in the chorus where it says “Pat me on my derriere.” We’re doing a parody workshop at the Free Folk Festival in June and if you want to hear or perform more parodies like this, all you have to do is show up.


The folknik song pages are lovingly produced by John Kelly and Barbara Millikan. Barbara Millikan produced the song pages for this issue.

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